Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

Why the best operators, leaders and advisors ask questions before offering answers

By Jamie Galler | Restaurant Advisor

Experience is valuable.

After decades in the restaurant business, you develop instincts. You walk into a restaurant and notice things other people may not see. You recognize patterns. You’ve encountered many of the same problems before, and often you have a pretty good idea of what needs to be done.

That experience can save enormous amounts of time and money.

But experience can also create a blind spot.

The more we know, the easier it becomes to assume we know the answer before we fully understand the question.

I was recently reminded of that lesson the hard way.

I Got This One Wrong

I recently lost an important consulting project.

Looking back, I believe I made a fundamental mistake early in the process:

I led with my experience instead of my curiosity.

My intentions were good.

I wanted the prospective client to understand that I had the experience and background necessary to handle the project. I wanted them to feel confident that I understood restaurants, had dealt with similar challenges and could help them get results.

So I talked about what I knew.

I talked about what I had done.

I talked about how I could help.

What I didn't do enough of was ask questions.

And in trying to demonstrate that I understood their business, I inadvertently communicated something very different:

I hadn't taken enough time to understand their business.

It came across as a lack of respect.

That's difficult to admit. But it's also a valuable lesson.

Because the irony is that they already had some idea of my experience. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't have been considering working with me in the first place.

I didn't need to prove that I knew something.

I needed to prove that I wanted to understand something.

Expertise Can Get in the Way

This isn't just a consultant problem.

It's an operator problem.

It's a manager problem.

It's a server problem.

In fact, it can happen to anyone who has become very good at what they do.

Experience gives us pattern recognition. We've seen the movie before, so we assume we know how it ends.

An owner hears an employee complain about the schedule and immediately thinks they know why.

A manager sees food coming out slowly and assumes the kitchen isn't moving fast enough.

A server hears a guest say they don't like a particular dish and immediately suggests an alternative.

A vendor hears that food cost is high and immediately starts talking about cheaper products.

A consultant walks into a struggling restaurant, sees five obvious problems and starts prescribing solutions.

Sometimes we're right.

But being right about the problem isn't enough.

People need to feel heard before they're ready to hear us.

Curiosity Builds Trust

Trust rarely begins with an answer.

It usually begins with a question.

What are you trying to accomplish?

What's getting in the way?

What have you already tried?

What do you think is causing the problem?

Why is this important to you?

What would a successful outcome look like?

And then comes the part that's harder than asking the question:

Actually listening to the answer.

Not waiting for the other person to stop talking so we can respond.

Not listening for the one sentence that allows us to tell our favorite story.

Not mentally constructing our solution while they're still explaining the problem.

Listening because we're genuinely curious about what they have to say.

There's an important distinction between asking questions as a sales technique and asking questions because you actually want to understand someone.

People can usually tell the difference.

The Same Principle Applies to Your Guests

Restaurants provide a perfect example.

Imagine a guest tells a server:

“I'm not sure what I want.”

An inexperienced salesperson may simply start recommending the restaurant's most popular dishes.

A better salesperson gets curious.

Do you want something lighter or more substantial?

Are you in the mood for seafood, meat or something vegetarian?

Do you like spicy food?

Are you sharing?

Have you been here before?

A few questions can completely change the recommendation.

That's not merely better selling.

It's better hospitality.

The server isn't trying to convince the guest to buy what the server wants to sell.

The server is trying to understand what will make that particular guest happy.

Ironically, that's also often the better way to sell.

It Applies to Employees, Too

Consider what happens when an employee makes a mistake.

The natural management response is often:

Tell them what they did wrong and how to fix it.

But what if the manager started with a question?

“What happened?”

“You normally do this correctly. What was different tonight?”

“Is there something about the procedure that isn't clear?”

“What do you think would prevent this from happening again?”

You may discover the employee wasn't trained properly.

Or the prep list was wrong.

Or another employee didn't complete something on the previous shift.

Or the system itself is creating the problem.

Or perhaps the employee simply made a mistake.

You won't know until you ask.

Curiosity doesn't eliminate accountability. It makes accountability more intelligent.

Earn the Right to Give the Answer

None of this means expertise doesn't matter.

It matters enormously.

I wouldn't want restaurant advice from someone who had never operated restaurants. I wouldn't want financial advice from someone who didn't understand finance. Expertise, judgment and experience are important.

But I've been reminded that there's an order to this.

First understand. Then advise.

Experience should make our questions better.

It should help us recognize what information matters.

It should help us know when to probe deeper.

And eventually, it should help us develop better solutions.

But experience should never give us permission to skip the discovery process.

That's particularly important for consultants and advisors.

We're paid for our expertise. Naturally, we want to demonstrate it.

But there's a paradox:

The harder we work to demonstrate how much we know, the easier it can be to communicate that we're not interested enough in what the other person knows.

That's where ego can get in the way.

The Best Question May Be the One You Didn't Plan to Ask

Good questions create information.

Great questions create conversations.

And conversations sometimes reveal that the original problem isn't the real problem at all.

A restaurant owner says they have a food-cost problem.

Maybe.

But after asking questions, you discover the real issue is poor inventory control.

Or portion inconsistency.

Or incorrect recipes.

Or purchasing.

Or menu pricing.

Or theft.

Or the P&L itself isn't accurate.

If we arrive determined to solve “food cost,” we may solve the wrong problem.

Curiosity keeps us from prescribing before we've diagnosed.

That's as true in leadership as it is in consulting.

The Operator Challenge

For the next week, try something simple.

When a guest, employee, manager, vendor or business partner brings you a problem, don't immediately give them the answer.

Ask three questions first.

Not because three is a magic number.

Because it forces you to slow down long enough to understand before responding.

You may still arrive at exactly the same answer you had in your head when the conversation began.

But now you'll understand why it's the right answer.

More importantly, the other person will know you listened before you gave it.

I lost a project because I temporarily forgot something I should have known.

Experience is valuable.

But experience works best when it's accompanied by humility, interest and genuine curiosity.

Expertise may get you into the conversation.

Curiosity earns you the right to contribute to it.

Want a clearer view of the numbers driving your restaurant's profitability?

The Practical Creative helps restaurant operators build practical measurement systems, identify performance gaps and turn operating data into measurable financial results. Schedule a complimentary discovery meeting at thepracticalcreative.com.

Shout out to Stephen R. Covey for inspiration: Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood — Listen and respect others' perspectives before expressing your own.